(no subject)

Я тааак люблю, когда хороший автор ныряет в сложное варево, составляющее внутренний мир С. Винчестера, и репортирует нам прямо оттуда; ради этого сто раз готова продираться через заковыристые словосочетания типа polychromatic antidotal significance (ахаха, автор, что ты делаешь, не прекращай); а тут еще Сэм в измененном состоянии сознания - умирает от бессонницы в психиатричке, - и Кастиэль в реальности, а Глюцифер в голове, и все мои любимые теги, и всё это слишком хорошо, чтобы быть правдой))

“Please, Sammy.”
Sam still can’t tell if this is real.
He’s pretty sure this is how Lucifer is finally going to break him this time. He sees Lucifer chuckle. Maybe this truly is the last piece of him to let go of.
He can’t. He can’t he can’t the world will end the world will end he has to fight.......
“You can say no, Sam,” Lucifer reminds him.
“I can?” Sam says, somewhat bewildered.
“Of course.”
“You can’t, ” Dean says. Maybe he’s the voice of Lucifer actually, and Lucifer’s playing some sort of good cop bad cop on him where he’s the good cop.
But if this actually is Lucifer, and he’s out, then he needs to let Lucifer possess him.
“Do you have the horseman rings?” Sam asks Dean.
“Yes,” Dean answers.
“Okay,” Sam says. And he’s so tired. He notices his hands are healed, and wonders if that’s a hallucination. He turns to Lucifer. “I’m ready.”
“Do I have permission to possess you?” Lucifer asks.
Sam doesn’t think he can do this.
But he does.
“Yes.”

Оригинал записи на Дыбре

(no subject)

I think I have a way to get him to disappear, but I’m not sure if you’d like it.
“Tell me,” Sam insists, but he can feel Cas’s trepidation, and it scares him.
Demon blood.
“Dean,” Sam says, and he’s scared now, but he’s starting to react to the situation as if it’s real, even if it isn’t. And Dean is the only one outside of his psychotic mind, right now. Deferral. “Dean, is this really Cas?”
“Of course it is? Wait, is he claiming not to be Cas?” Dean’s voice takes on an edge of panic.
I am Castiel.
“No, but I don’t trust him.” Sam feels a flare of hurt whip through him before it reels itself in.
You do not need to drink demon blood. It was just a suggestion.
“It sure looked and seemed like Cas, Sam. I wouldn’t just let some random angel possess you.”
“So he let the angel who did this to you in the first place possess you instead?” says Lucifer. Sam doesn’t react to that, but Cas does, and he feels it all the same. Not betrayal, the thing buzzing under Sam’s skin, but deep deep regret.

Оригинал записи на Дыбре

(no subject)

“What... what do you want to say?” Sam tries to make out, tries to show that he’s in the room right now. Sam isn’t sure if Cas is tapping into his memories at their source to wash them over his brain, or if he should be reacting to that as some sort of violation, because it’s incredibly grounding and concentrated flashes of abstract connections to Cas. And truth be told, Sam missed Cas so much.
“Yeah, sooooo much,” Lucifer says, clearly annoyed. 
Sam, -I’m trying not to get farther into the recesses of your brain than I can, but sometimes I cannot help it. That sensation you’re feeling is probably related to me, however, and your brain is just making associations, not the reverse that you seem to be assuming.
“You can just read all my thoughts and see everything I’m seeing and everything he’s saying and everything I’m remembering huh,” Sam muses, and before Cas answers, Dean does.
“Tell him to hurry the fuck up and make you stop hallucinating the devil.”
I’m trying Sam. I am. It’s difficult even repairing the damage done to your brain in the last week, so less trying to change the way your brain works in a way that isn’t obstructive or difficult.
“He’s going to give you a lobotomy,” Lucifer says brightly.
I am not.
“Don’t argue with him,” Sam says. “ He’s not real.”

Оригинал записи на Дыбре

(no subject)

Sam, I really think you should consider demon blood.
He feels Cas’s presence in variegated streaks, glowing and warming and intoxicating. It’s all too much at once. He remembers the shame and the raw power, killing Alastair in front of Cas and saving him, the devastation that the first time he met Cas was to condemn him for exactly this part of him he wanted to weaponize for good, and the humiliation as he cried and begged in the panic room, degraded and weak in the wake of his relapse. He feels angry, for a second, something rolling off him like some abrupt solar flare, before it dissipates like it never existed. For a second, he almost feels real.
“You’re still like me,” Lucifer says. “In some ways, that won’t ever burn out, huh.” Nausea hits Sam, his thoughts glinting beyond recognition. The coldness is back, and Sam can’t remember anything. He thinks he’s supposed to be talking to Cas about demon blood.
I never meant to condemn you.
“I don’t know what you mean, ” Sam thinks, his pain scintillatingly sharp. Lucifer is laughing.

Оригинал записи на Дыбре

(no subject)

Забавно как один персонаж легким движением руки превращает мои сквики в кинки. Аддикции, ментальные расстройства, птср, одержимость, галлюцинации, две сущности в одном теле... эй, алё, я же всё это не люблю! Ни про кого другого я такое читать не буду.
Но если это о нем - дайте два.
Оригинал записи на Дыбре

(no subject)

Sam feels bitter rage boil up. If Cas hated doing this to him so much, then why did he take over Sam’s control of his own body? It doubles in on the fact he’s only like this because of Cas in the first place. Because he was a chesspiece Cas needed to kick off the board. Because Sam’s not real. He’s not something that matters.
“I don’t know what you expected,” Lucifer says. “I mean, why do you think you’re so attracted to Cas in the first place? I swear, Sam, you’re just begging to be ‘betrayed,’ to be ‘hurt’. That’s why it was so different with me. You were the one who betrayed me.”
Sam feels dizzy. Won’t that just give you more hallucinations? Maybe there’s metal around his wrists, and he may as well have died. Who was he to be upset at what Cas has done? Why does it matter if Cas is the one who’s taken over his mind and body now anyways? What right does Sam have to it?
But if Sam’s just a carnival ride in the liminal night, then what’s the fucking point of consciousness anyways? He wants to say, just take my body. If you want it so badly. Better than leaving it with Lucifer. But don’t keep me here. Caged.

Оригинал записи на Дыбре

(no subject)

Ой да ладно, "Сэмюеля" он тоже не позволял никому, кроме Ровены)
Дело же не в том, что чувак требовал какого-то сугубого уважения - просто у него был четкий концепт собственного имени. И не менее четкое представление о том, кому и как можно этот концепт нарушать.

Меня сегодня много^тм, сорри, если что - на следующей неделе вернусь на работу, и тогда меня опять будет мало.
Оригинал записи на Дыбре

(no subject)

Черт, я почти каждый абзац перечитываю по два-три раза, что-то у sp8ce очень-очень сильно резонирует со мной. Цепляет. Впервые за долгое время мне захотелось вернуться к переводам.
Нелегко было бы, конечно - уж очень хитровыебанный текст. На разных уровнях хитровыебанности, включая авторские опечатки в количестве.
Было бы нелегко. Но блин. Захватывающе.

“It’s okay it’s okay it’s okay. ”
I can’t stop re-traumatising you...  
Cas’s thoughts are indirect, and phrasing turned like a repetition of an echo of something in some corner of Sam’s consciousness. Sam feels like Cas plucked it out for his own means. He’s so overexposed. He knows he needs to be placating, but all his internal reactions are screaming.
“It’s not your fault.”
Sam’s failing at alleviating Cas’s guilt. It makes him feel bitter, petty, manipulative, but he can’t help it because Cas can see inside him. He can see how terrifying losing control of his body is to Sam, what has happened, before, and also, what did happen, after.
I tried not to take any control when you were unconscious. 
Sam paces, and somehow, it helps. It's in a different timezone now, and the sky is painting into deep blue. Life is going forward. Sam can control his steps. Lucifer isn’t in his brain. The ceilings are high with beams of dust in the light between them, and everything’s rustic in a way that actually feels calming and homey. The air smells stale, and Sam’s heart is racing. He keeps pacing.
“Tried?” Sam thinks, trying to make it sound far more nonchalant than he feels. It doesn’t matter. It happened, whatever it was. He feels in love with the world from the way the pine trees seem so peaceful as an intricate detail past a grimy window. Oh, he’s definitely still so clearly high.

Оригинал записи на Дыбре

(no subject)

Of course, he’s focused on blood. When isn’t he. But he’s also high now. And it feels good. He hasn’t felt good in so long. It makes everything feel meaningful. It makes him feel a surge of power that negates the never-ending helplessness. 
He hones in on the shame of his addiction, shuts out everything else because it’s too much. Cas can’t know how he feels for him. Cas can’t know what Lucifer has done to him. Cas can’t even know a glimpse of the cage. It’s suffocating. It makes it so unbearably real in a way Sam can’t face. He doesn’t know what Cas even thinks about it all. He’s just there, politely in the background, viewing Sam’s innermost feelings and trauma like a snuff film at a shady theatre. So he focuses on the addiction. It’s also too much. But at least he’s been through the humiliation of detox while Cas and Dean leave him alone in it before. He can do this again. God, he wants more blood.

Оригинал записи на Дыбре

(no subject)

“I do feel guilty and sorry for you, but that’s not why I want to kiss you,” Cas says. Sam forces back a scoff. His bitterness isn’t a good look. So he keeps quiet. “I like how it feels.”
“And getting a download of my time in hell inspired you to try?”
Sam says it as a joke, but he realises that maybe that’s exactly what happened.
He feels pricky and ashamed, and his skin feels tight and hot. He’s been caught up in his own feelings of shame and humiliation that it didn’t occur to him that maybe that’s not what Cas would feel when seeing it at all.
Maybe it just turned him on.
Sam is spiralling, fast.
“What does hell have to do with this? You told me you had feelings for me before hell.”
“You, you didn’t,” Sam says. He’s not thinking very clearly. He wants to beg Cas to explain just what changed his mind.
“I did,” Cas says. It’s jarring. Sam’s nearly certain it’s a lie, which makes him feel coiled and panicky.
“No, no, I’m...” Sam doesn’t know how to express himself. He’s just the demon blood addict who started the Apocalypse. He’s a lot of bad things, he knows that, and now Cas sees it all flayed out in detail. Sam’s head feels foggy and cold and the mist won’t wipe off the windshield. Cas is Dean’s friend, for fuck’s sake. Just because Sam couldn’t help but love him too doesn’t mean anything. “Cas, it’s okay. I can handle rejection.”
It's not like Sam is actually Lucifer.

Оригинал записи на Дыбре

(no subject)

Оставила кудос от себя, от гостя, сделала бы это отдельно под каждой главой, будь такое технически возможно)
Nothing's Safe by ктобывыдумали sp8ce - сэстиэль, Canon Divergence от 7.17 The Born-Again Identity, Hallucinations, Flashbacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Mental Health Issues, Guilt, Consent Issues, dubious consent possession, unreality, Addiction, Victim Blaming, Withdrawal, Past Torture, Unreliable Narrator я просто не знаю, что выбрать, тут всё прекрасно.
Секса нет, рейтинг Mature за насилие.
Оригинал записи на Дыбре