(no subject)

[elinorwise]

Of course, he’s focused on blood. When isn’t he. But he’s also high now. And it feels good. He hasn’t felt good in so long. It makes everything feel meaningful. It makes him feel a surge of power that negates the never-ending helplessness. 
He hones in on the shame of his addiction, shuts out everything else because it’s too much. Cas can’t know how he feels for him. Cas can’t know what Lucifer has done to him. Cas can’t even know a glimpse of the cage. It’s suffocating. It makes it so unbearably real in a way Sam can’t face. He doesn’t know what Cas even thinks about it all. He’s just there, politely in the background, viewing Sam’s innermost feelings and trauma like a snuff film at a shady theatre. So he focuses on the addiction. It’s also too much. But at least he’s been through the humiliation of detox while Cas and Dean leave him alone in it before. He can do this again. God, he wants more blood.

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