(no subject)

[elinorwise]

It’s the exact same thing as Ruby, isn’t it? Sam saved children’s lives while hopped up on demon blood too. It just feels so wrong, the murder and death and murder.
He makes a better bitch.
“Those children would be alive if we didn’t decide to go after Lucifer. When we knew we couldn’t win.”
“What Lucifer does isn’t our fault,” Dean says. It feels like the most ridiculous sentence on the planet. Sam actually scoffs. Sam’s entire life is being responsible for what Lucifer has done. That may as well be everything that he is. It’s why he went into the Cage. Why Dean let him without telling him he shouldn’t have to. Sam is stunned. He really can’t find any part of who he is beyond it.
“The fact Lucifer would kill children like that is why we need to keep going after him, even when the odds are slim,” Castiel reasons. It doesn’t seem logical. Sam’s angry again. He’s not supposed to be angry. But why does he always have to submit to illogical perceptions of morality in order to prevent being evil? Why must he always go against his own principles instead of anyone actually giving him reason and logic? Is it because of Azazel? Because of the demon blood inside of him? Does it twist his mind as well? Or was it all the demons in his life growing up? Did they sully and destroy his ability to make sense of how to be good?
All he knows is he shouldn’t trust himself. And it’s clear now. That Dean, who wasn’t-- Dean doesn’t see it. He wouldn’t. Which is worse? Hiding things from Dean because of a demon who tricked him when he had no other reason to doubt her, or hiding things from Dean because of the devil himself, the devil that’s burning children alive just to send a message.
And he slept with both of them.

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